“Emeka, Emeka, yes papa… telling lies, no papa!” This rhyme is a childhood anthem for many Nigerian kids, first learned at home or school. Sugar thief Emeka becomes the symbol of dishonesty, and parents use his story to remind their children that honesty is the best policy.
But even with these lessons, kids still lie. And sometimes, they catch their parents lying too (remember when you told your boss you were late because of traffic when you were actually just running on “African time”?).
Child psychologist Dr. Sam shares practical advice for navigating these tricky situations with honesty and understanding.
Why Do Kids Lie?
If you ask most Nigerian parents about the values they wish to teach their children, honesty would undoubtedly top the list. That’s why it’s so upsetting when kids lie, whether it’s a small fib or a full-blown tale. Adults often rationalize their lies, but when children do it, parents feel fear and frustration, worrying about their kids’ moral compass.
According to Dr. Sam, lying is actually a developmental milestone. By age two or three, children realize their parents can’t read minds. At this stage, they test boundaries by saying untruths. Younger kids may lie to grab attention (“I saw a lion on my way home!”), while older children may lie to avoid punishment or gain approval (“I finished my homework”). By their teenage years, lying becomes more strategic—teens may fabricate stories to fit in with peers or hide certain activities from their parents.
Strategies for Nigerian Parents
In many Nigerian households, lies are met with strong reactions—a swift “You are a bad child” or even a quick ‘kpof-kpof’ slap. But these tactics can lead to fear, shame, and more lying in the future. Instead, Dr. Sam suggests these approaches:
1. Stay Calm
When you catch your child lying, it’s natural to feel disappointed or angry. But how you respond sets the tone for future honesty. Take a moment to process your thoughts before reacting. This prevents dramatizing the situation with accusations like, “Is this how you were raised?” or “You have disgraced this family.”
2. Don’t Shame Them
Labeling your child as “a bad boy” or “a bad girl” only breeds resentment and secrecy. Instead, reassure them: “You can always tell me the truth. I might feel upset, but my love for you won’t change.”
3. Understand the Motive
Ask open-ended questions to uncover why your child lied: “What made you say that?” or “What were you hoping would happen?” This helps address the root cause and prevents future dishonesty.
4. Distinguish Types of Lies
Not all lies are created equal. A harmless fib (“I’m fine” to avoid a fight) is different from a harmful lie (“I didn’t eat the meat from the pot” when they did). Teach your child the difference while emphasizing the value of truth.
5. Praise Honesty
If your child confesses to lying, acknowledge their courage: “I’m proud of you for telling the truth.” This builds trust and encourages them to remain truthful in the future.
6. Create a Safe Space
Dr. Sam recommends establishing a code word like “jollof” that signals the child wants to share something without judgment. For instance, if they admit they didn’t do their homework, the parent can respond with understanding rather than anger.
7. Reward Truthfulness
Instead of punishing lies, reward honesty. For example, if your child admits to breaking a glass, thank them for telling the truth and ask them to help clean up. Punishment can teach children to lie better—not less.
8. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If your child lies frequently or shows signs of anxiety, consult a child psychologist. Persistent lying may indicate deeper issues, like bullying or abuse.
When Kids Catch You Lying
What happens when your child overhears you saying something untrue, like telling your boss you’re sick to get a day off? Dr. Sam says it’s important to acknowledge the mistake: “Yes, I lied, and it wasn’t right. Here’s why I did it, but I’ll try to do better next time.” Admitting fault shows your child that everyone, including parents, can strive to make better choices.
The Takeaway
In Nigerian culture, where family values and respect are paramount, it’s easy to feel disheartened when children stray from the path of truth. However, guiding them with love, understanding, and patience is far more effective than punishment or shame. As the Yoruba proverb says, “Omode gbon, agba gbon la fi da ile ife.” (A home is built with the wisdom of both the young and the old.) Teach your child that honesty truly is the best policy—and watch them thrive.
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