Your Child’s Tantrum May Be Saying More Than You Think: 5 Things Good Parents Do to Build Emotional Intelligence

Tantrums, angry outbursts and difficult behaviour are a normal part of growing up. A toddler may scream when told “no,” a school-age child may walk away when upset, while a teenager may slam a door or refuse to talk.

For parents, these moments can be exhausting and frustrating. It may be tempting to immediately stop the behaviour, give orders or react with anger. But what if the behaviour is actually communicating an emotion the child does not yet know how to express?

According to psychologist Juli Fraga, children often communicate difficult emotions through their behaviour. Instead of focusing only on what a child is doing, parents can try to understand what may be happening emotionally underneath the behaviour.

Here are five approaches that can help parents nurture emotional intelligence in their children.

1. Stay Calm Before You Respond

When a child is screaming, crying or refusing to cooperate, staying calm can be challenging. Parents can feel angry, helpless or overwhelmed too.

Before responding, take a moment to pause and breathe. Even a few slow, deep breaths can help you respond more thoughtfully rather than reacting in anger.

Children learn by observing the adults around them. When parents demonstrate calmness during stressful situations, they teach their children that strong emotions can be managed without losing control.

Being calm does not mean never feeling angry. It means learning how to manage your emotions so they do not control your response.

2. Be Curious Instead of Simply Giving Orders

When children misbehave, it is easy to respond with phrases such as, “Stop it,” “Behave yourself” or “What’s wrong with you?”

Boundaries are important, but parents can also benefit from asking what might be behind the behaviour.

For example, a child who lies may be afraid of getting into trouble. A teenager who repeatedly challenges rules may be seeking greater independence.

Understanding the reason behind the behaviour can help parents address the underlying issue instead of simply reacting to what they see on the surface.

3. Help Your Child Put Feelings Into Words

Children do not always have the words to explain what they are feeling. As a result, difficult emotions may come out through their behaviour.

A child might hit because they are angry, become dishonest because they are afraid or withdraw because they feel hurt.

Parents can help by putting names to these emotions. Simple questions such as:

• “Are you angry?”
• “Are you worried?”
• “Are you feeling sad?”
• “Did something hurt your feelings?”

can help children understand and describe what is happening inside them.

The more children learn to identify their emotions, the easier it becomes for them to communicate their feelings instead of expressing everything through difficult behaviour.

4. Look at Your Own Behaviour Too

Children learn a great deal by watching their parents.

When a child repeatedly reacts in a particular way, it can be useful for parents to reflect on their own emotional habits.

Ask yourself:

• How do I behave when I am angry?
• How do I handle stress?
• Do I shout when I am frustrated?
• Do I withdraw when something is difficult?
• How do I express difficult emotions?

This is not about blaming parents. Rather, self-reflection can help adults recognise the behaviours children may be learning from them.

By modelling healthier ways of handling stress, frustration and conflict, parents can give their children valuable emotional skills.

5. Check Whether Stress Is Behind the Meltdown

Sometimes a child’s difficult behaviour may be connected to stress, tiredness or a major change in their life.

Starting a new school, moving house, welcoming a new baby into the family or simply being exhausted can make it harder for a child to manage their emotions.

Parents can use the H.A.L.T. check by asking whether the child is:

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

Sometimes, the solution may be simpler than expected. A meal, some rest, reassurance or one-on-one time with a parent may help a child feel more settled.

Tantrums Can Become Opportunities to Teach Emotional Skills

No parent handles every tantrum perfectly. Parents will lose their patience sometimes, and that does not make them bad parents.

What matters is how they respond over time.

Instead of seeing every emotional outburst as simply “bad behaviour,” try to look for the feeling underneath it. Staying calm, being curious, naming emotions, reflecting on your own reactions and checking for stress can help children gradually develop the ability to understand and manage their feelings.

These skills can help children become more confident, resilient and independent as they grow. They may also make it easier for them to cope with setbacks, communicate their needs and build healthier relationships.

A tantrum may not always be just a tantrum. Sometimes, it is a child’s way of saying, “I’m struggling, and I need help understanding what I feel.”

Join Naija UK Connect

Stay updated with the latest UK visa sponsorship jobs, relocation opportunities, and career guides tailored for Nigerians through Naija UK Connect.

Join here: Naija UK Channel

Also, follow us on our social media channels for the latest updates and discussions:

Twitter: @NaijaUKConnect

Facebook: Naija UK Connect

Instagram: @naijaukconnect