A Child Therapist Explains What Nigerian Parents in the UK Need to Know
Parenting styles have evolved significantly over the years, especially for Nigerians raising children in the UK. Many parents today are moving away from the “authoritarian” style they grew up with and are embracing gentle parenting—a more emotionally aware and compassionate approach.
However, child therapists warn that many well-meaning parents unknowingly cross the line from gentle parenting into permissive parenting, and the results can be confusing and challenging for both parents and children.
A Therapist’s Honest Confession
Child therapist Jaclyn recently shared a powerful personal story that resonates with many parents:
“I did gentle parenting for years… or so I thought I did. I validated every emotion, processed feelings endlessly, explained every boundary, compromised on everything, and avoided harsh discipline.”
At first glance, this sounds ideal. But the outcome surprised her.
One child became:
- Anxious about everyday decisions (even choosing snacks)
- Insecure in their abilities
- Emotionally dysregulated, with frequent outbursts
- Entitled, believing everything was negotiable
The other child became:
- A people-pleaser
- Emotionally withdrawn
- Afraid to express real feelings
- “Too easy” and overly compliant
Like many parents, she was heartbroken. She had tried so hard to “do better” than how she was raised.
The Realisation: Gentle ≠ Permissive
Jaclyn later realised something crucial:
“I wasn’t actually doing gentle parenting. I had slipped into permissive parenting without realising it.”
This is a mistake many parents—especially those trying to break generational cycles—make.
Here’s the difference 👇
What Looks Gentle but Is Actually Permissive:
- Validating emotions endlessly → Over-processing feelings
- Explaining every rule repeatedly → Making boundaries negotiable
- Compromising too often → No real limits
- High warmth but low structure → Confused, anxious children
The result? Children who lack emotional regulation, confidence, and clear boundaries.
What Actually Works: Authoritative Parenting
Jaclyn shifted to what research consistently supports: authoritative parenting.
This style combines:
- High warmth: empathy, connection, emotional validation
- High structure: clear boundaries, consistent limits, and natural consequences
After the shift, she noticed:
- Less anxiety in her children
- More confidence in decision-making
- Reduced entitlement and negotiation
- Improved emotional regulation
And importantly—more peace at home.
Why This Matters for Nigerian Parents in the UK
Many Nigerian parents are parenting in two worlds:
- African values of respect, discipline, and structure
- Western emphasis on emotional awareness and child expression
The challenge isn’t choosing one over the other—it’s balancing both.
Gentle parenting does not mean:
- No rules
- No consequences
- Letting children lead everything
And structure does not mean:
- Harsh discipline
- Fear-based parenting
- Emotional neglect
Healthy parenting sits in the middle.
The Takeaway
If you’re raising children in the UK and trying to parent “better” than the past:
- Be kind to yourself—parenting is hard
- Know that boundaries are loving, not harmful
- Emotional validation works best with structure
As Jaclyn puts it, the goal is not perfection—but clarity, consistency, and connection.
At Naija UK Connect, we believe informed parenting strengthens families and communities. Conversations like this help Nigerian parents raise confident, emotionally healthy children—without losing our values.
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